It Might Be Nice If I Could Ski
The son I was carrying when I had a massive stroke in 1999 came home from a ski trip to Colorado with his father and his older brother. It was the latest event in his life from which I had to be excluded. I became disabled eight weeks before he was born so he has never known an able bodied mom. It has been a simple fact of life for both of us. We don’t dwell on it but rather accept it with occasional complaints about the limitations. I asked how the trip had been, and he told me all about it and showed me pictures. A few days later, he commented “It would have been nice if you could have come.” Ouch. I know every member of my family sees “normal” families with Mom and Dad participating in things like skiing and it feels bad when I am absent.
There is a video of him when he was two years old playing outside in the snow with his father and his brother. When his Dad asked why Mommy wasn’t playing, his response was “Because she’s spazzy.” We had shortened the term “spasticity” to a kid friendly term. I was inside reading a book while my family was enjoying the outdoors. Being left out of family activities has been a painful norm for all of us. Family vacations became a thing of the past when my husband decided we should separate nearly four years ago so the ski trip wouldn’t have included me even if I wasn’t disabled. I suppose we are all suffering from the loss of having an intact family, as well.
It is not possible to know with certainty what life would have been like for my family if I never had a stroke. Maybe we would have all had a great time skiing in Colorado. Maybe not. Nonetheless, it warmed my heart to hear my son wish it was so.
Thank you for reading :)