I Just Have To Make It To Candle Time
The battle begins the minute my feet hit the floor each morning. I instantly have to figure out how to get through the day in my broken body. Each day for the last 20 years, I’ve lived with a movement disorder that causes constant pain and difficulty moving.
It was a severe stroke on Valentine’s Day in 1999 that wreaked havoc on my central nervous system. Having brain damage is like having a faulty electrical system in a house. Like constant short circuits where your muscles do not get the proper signals to contract and relax.
When my feet hit the floor, my left foot won’t flex when I walk because it is paralyzed. Later in the day, I wear a brace or a stimulator to help my foot either stay flexed or move while I walk. But it drags for those first few steps.
My shoulder hurts because those muscles have not stopped contracting in 20 years due to the faulty wiring. My arm flails around for the same reason. My left hand is nearly useless. I carry a cane in my right hand to help with balance. So I’m constantly looking for resting places for it when I need to use my functioning hand.
It’s easy to imagine how challenging it is to get through the day in a body that won’t cooperate.
In addition, I have many of the same obstacles and difficulties as everyone else. My husband moved out 4 years ago. My sons are still home and at 20 and 22 years old know EVERYTHING. It often seems as if I am the only one here who likes to keep an orderly house. With one arm and one leg.
About five years ago my sister in law gave me a lavendar scented candle for Christmas. I put in on my nightstand. I may have used it once for mood lighting with my husband.
I decided to burn it one night as I was getting ready for bed. I closed my bedroom door. I got out of my clothes and into my comfy pajamas. I called my boyfriend to say goodnight.
The lavendar scent filled the room as the flame flickered and cast a warm glow in my bedroom. The last thing I do before getting in bed to read is blow out the candle.
I found this little ritual immensely relaxing.
It’s become the atmosphere I look forward to all day as I’m struggling. If I can just make it to candle time. If I go to my room early, I can stretch the ritual out longer and enjoy it until a reasonably later bedtime.