I Ignored a Red Flag
We see what we want to see when we’re dating
I shouldn’t have been surprised when the deal breaker broke. I had more than one clue before I met him that he was weird, but I ignored them because he checked so many other boxes.
He was educated, professional, good looking and single. The fact that he wrote erotica sounded attractive at first. He was a writer.
Ken and I connected on OKCupid. He stated in his profile somewhere that he wasn’t into Vanilla sex. Ok, I thought, maybe he’s a little kinky; I have an open mind.
We chatted quite a bit through the app and through texting before we decided to meet. He mentioned he had been a member of Fetlife. I didn’t know what that was. Here’s what I found out:
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia:
FetLife is a social networking website that serves people interested in BDSM, fetishism, and kink. On its homepage, FetLife describes itself as, "Like Facebook, but run by kinksters like you and me." FetLife distinguishes itself from competitors by emphasizing itself as a social network rather than a dating site.[1]
I don’t consider myself a kinky person. I wasn’t sure what was in my dating profile that matched me with Ken or seemed to attract him.
But match we did, at something like a 90% rate. It might have been because of my non-monogomous status. From what I hear, this is unusual for a woman.
He was very polite in conversation, and wanted to take me out for a meal (!) at a restaurant that was convenient to me. I was thinking he was a gentleman.
We met for lunch at one of the nicer restaurants near my home. He came from the next town over.
I wore a sexy summer dress, and he arrived in a suit and tie. More gentleman points.
We talked about the usual things. Careers. Children. Relationship history. We had drinks and enjoyed a nice meal.
I asked him about Fetlife. He explained what is was like to have a consuming sexual fetish. “It’s the only way I can function. It isn’t really an optional thing for me.” he said.
“Wow, have you been this way your whole life?”
“Pretty much.”
I’m sure he saw the expression on my face that said I was turned off. He took out his phone.
After a minute of scrolling through his photos, he asked if I wanted to see what he’s into. I wanted to and didn’t at the same time. I couldn’t look away kind of like driving by a terrible car accident.
Curiosity won in the end and I took the phone. I saw a photo of a woman who appeared to be about 20 years younger than my date. Open mind notwithstanding, I was kind of shocked by what I saw.
The woman was kneeling. She had a ball gag in her mouth. She was wearing black leather from head to toe. She was handcuffed. There were chains all around her.
She didn’t look happy. I wondered if my date considered if I might know her before showing me this. She could have been my next door neighbor.
I’m sure I looked more than a little surprised by the photo even though we had been talking about his fetish for a while. My reaction must have told him everything he needed to know about my suitability as a partner for him.
Seeing the photo woke me up to the fact that this guy was everything he said he was. He wasn’t hiding this part of him that had the potential to scare women away. Bonus points for honesty.
Even if we were not a good match, the date was certainly an interesting one. It also made me realize that people are probably what they say they are and no amount of denial on my part will make the parts of someone I wish to deny go away.
