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I Didn’t WantTo Die, But Wished I Had
I believed being dead would have been better than living the life I had
Through my depression after I had a stroke at age 35 while I was 6 months pregnant, my psychiatrist often asked me if I ever thought about ending my life. The depression came from a powerful mix of organic causes (a brain injury), being postpartum, and massively difficult life circumstances.
I truly never thought about committing suicide even when I was in a wheelchair with a 2 year old son and a newborn. But, I did have moments of wishing I had died in the emergency room or on the operating table during the brain surgery that saved my life. Even if my family would have suffered a crushing loss, I would be dead and not be feeling much.
The recovery and rehabilitation that were necessary because the left side of my body was completely paralyzed after surgery was brutal. There was constant chronic pain along with a body that would not cooperate. I spent six weeks in a rehabilitation hospital while my newborn son stayed with my parents. I had to re-learn how to walk and take care of myself. I had some issues with executive functioning where I had to learn how to think about planning actions to accomplish every day tasks.
