Dear Douchebags

(insert nasty name of your choice),

Dear Asshole,

Thank you for teaching me that hearing you say you are 60% engaged and committed to our marriage in a counseling session does not mean that you plan to try to nudge this number toward 100%, and in fact, you already have one foot out the door. Thanks for helping me actually learn to hear what you are saying so I can gracefully cut my losses and move on, rather than live in hope that you are actively working toward making your way back into the relationship.

Dear Shitbird,

Thank you for teaching me that the fact that you went through a hospital supervised detox, followed by a 3 week stint in rehab, and then went to a couple of AA meetings, does not mean that you are not going to relapse into your alcoholism which was clearly stated by me as a relationship deal breaker. Thanks for helping me learn about the brutal reality of addiction which might help me in the future to avoid putting myself in a situation that can only lead to broken hearts.

Dear Jerk,

Thank you for teaching me that when you tell me, “I like you, and want to see you when it kinda sorta works out to do so,” just so clearly means, “you’re just not that into me”. Duh. Even though we had fun, you made nice meals for me, and we had some good sex, doesn’t…