I’m here at the big bar in the sky drinking Manhattans, Jack Daniels, straight up. They have beer and vodka here, too. The food is bountiful and delicious.The waitresses are cute enough to kidnap. I flirt with them shamelessly just as I did on earth. I am more handsome and charming than I ever was in my earthly form.
I never had the chance to tell you before I left how much I treasured our time together. It wasn’t just fun. We belonged with each other. I wish I had told you how sorry I was that things didn’t work out for us.
I would have thanked you for your love and support toward me getting healthy. I know it’s a shame that I couldn’t tame my inner demons without drowning them in alcohol. It was just too much for me to look all of it square in the demonic eyes and sort through it to ease the life sucking pain I was in every day. It all went back too far into my past. A lifetime of shame, regret, loss, anger, disappointment, sadness, humiliation, insecurities and most of all fear. I stuffed all of that into an airtight box and avoided looking at any of it as much as possible. The pain was too much to bear. You know I tried being sober for a little while. Boy, did I hate that shit. You absolutely did the best thing for yourself when you kicked me to the curb, even though you broke my heart. You deserve to be with someone who is able to put you above their addiction.
You know how I always hated to tell you you were right, but, dammit, sobriety was definitely a matter of life and death. My death was agonizing. I know I always told you I didn’t really want to get old, but when it came down to dying when I was only 55, I wasn’t ready for the shock. I miss my sons and I know they miss me. I still love you.
I guess I’ll go have another drink.
One last thing…
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